If its true that life is waiting for those who lose control, it must be right around the corner for me... Praise God! The God who gives life, and life abundantly! The God who looks upon our hearts... The God who has grace big enough to cover more than we imagine... The God who loves... The God who lives! Praise Him! For He is Sovereign... And ultimately He is in control... And I'm so glad! If I was in control of the direction of life, I'd never get anywhere but would go to and fro in frantic worry (and expectation) of making a mistake, but in Him and through Him, I am able to press on. Though I have to remind myself, I know I can trust in him...

Dear ...

Control,
Why do you control me?
Control,
Why don’t you free me?

Control,
You acted as my friend.
But Control,
You put joy to an end.

Control,
Why do you taunt me?
Control,
I hate your hold on me.

Control,
Give me room to grow.
Control,
It’s time that I let go.

Control,
You were only a façade.
Control,
You’re not mine, you’re God’s.
------------------------------

Perfection,
You are imperfect.

Despite your performance,
You know the truth.
No matter how much you strive
There will always be more to do.

No matter how high you rise
You will never reach the top
And when that hits you
Guilt will make you drop.

So Perfection,
You must be released.
Or you will be destroyed
By your own disease.

Perfection,
Receive God’s Grace.
In the light of His love
Your imperfections fade.

Perfection,
It’s only by His hand that you can reach the top.
Perfection.
It’s time for you to stop.
---------------------------

Worry,
Why are you so afraid?
Worry,
Why do you doubt the Lord?

Worry,
Thinking and thinking does no good.
Worry,
Let it go – You did all you could.

Worry,
You seem sincere,
But Worry,
Let me make this clear…

In Jesus name,
I command you leave.
With you, there’s no room
For me to breathe.

Worry,
I’m tired of hearing you fuss.
Worry,
Meet your replacement, Trust.
----------------------------

Trust,
You are so difficult to hold.
But Trust,
Without you, I’m so cold.

Trust,
In your arms I can rest.
Trust,
I know your way is best.

Trust,
You dispel all fear.
Trust,
You remind me God is here.

Trust,
Would you fill my heart?
Trust,
I need you in every part!

Trust,
You are the sweetest thing.
Trust,
You make me sing.

Digging Deep

I close my eyes to see inside myself -
to find out what I'm made of...

Beneath my skin is rotting flesh
my hands are dripping with blood
my bones are all broken
my throat-choking on regretted words spoken
My ears hear a condemning whisper
My tongue swells in my mouth
My mind scrambles for conclusions
My lungs are gasping for a single breath
My heart is aching for a single touch
My stomach is craving deeper satisfaction
My spirit is pained by life's defection.
My knees are bruised
My shins are splintered

But my feet-
They are covered with steel.
And stubbornly they carry me back to the cross
Where I find the God who heals.
The God who listens to how I feel
Then points me back to what is real...

I open my eyes and
come face to face with His love.

Only You know Lord... Only You know...

To this I cling -
That He who began the good thing
will not fail to complete it.

In Him I hope -
Trusting in His Sovereignty, I cope
and press through the pit.

White Christmas...

Though Christmas this year was much different than in the past, it has been nice! And God blessed me with a wonderfully white Christmas and a whole lot of snow! Here are some pics of my short visit to MN...

Dad and I in the snow...

My mom's daycare kid, Paige, made a special visit to our house on Christmas Eve just so she could play with me! That was such a blessing! She was very cuddly and kept me busy playing doctor, making pretend TV shows, and playing dress-up. You'll like my outfit... Haha...

And some fun moments from the other night with the extended family...

This one, we had my cousins Megan and Nikki stand in for Joanna and Rachel since they couldn't be there :(

The cousins + Megan's boyfriend. Love them all!!

A little pyramid... I'm the one adult with the kids, but what can I say? I'm fun like that...and its nothing new =)

Well, that's the summary... Peace out! Merry Christmas one and all!

Surprising Tears

I tend to hold back tears and try to be strong, but any strength I display is a facade. Inside I am mush! Yes, I have strength because the Lord is my foundation...and when I am weak, I am strong...

My mom got Steven Curtis Chapman's CD that was written after his daughter's death, and as I was reading his lyrics and what he wrote, I was just balling! I've never lost a daughter, but I can feel his pain. So I'm reading the lyrics aloud and my mom and I have tears streaming down our faces, and my dad is holding his in... Wow, my family is mush :)

You can truly see the depths of a person, when they are hurt and broken but they still turn to God. Steven Curtis Chapman clearly has a real relationship with God. You can sense his pain, but you can also sense his reaching out to God. In spite of his questions of pain, He declares God to be faithful and chooses to Trust Him.

I am challenged. How easy is it to turn from God and cry out to him in frustration at our life's circumstances? It is much more difficult to turn to him and praise Him and trust Him! But that's exactly what I hope I will never cease to do, no matter how difficult my life may become or what crosses I bare... or long it takes me... So long as at the end of the day, God still holds my heart!

The Dead Bolt --and I mean dead.

I am sitting here, slowly cooling down from my rage of frustration over the deadbolt on my front door. Its been sitting there for a while waiting for a part in order to finish being changed after the first frustrating attempt. Finally, all necessary parts are here, including my dad, and the lock is ready for try #2.

Being Miss Independent, I don't ask my dad for help, but feel ready to try, knowing he's nearby. I quickly figured the lock out and began to put it all together, but for some reason it didn't work. And after rearranging and re-screwing that thing in every possible way, it still wouldn't work! Even with dad's help, it just wouldn't work! And while dad is staying calm, I am getting more and more frustrated that this seemingly "easy" project is resisting completion!

So two of my enemies - Perfection and Impatience are fighting against each other. Impatience is ready to hang perfection - just get that stupid thing together and call it quits. Perfection is demanding the front be straight...

I remember my recent decision to let perfectionism go, and the old decision to try and be more patient. It's not right that one project should test them both. :)

Anyway, this blog is inconclusive, but I wanted to applaud myself for making an attempt to let perfectionism go by getting up off this computer before coming to the conclusion and trying that lock again... Okay Patience, here I come... Perfectionism - see ya!

(Ps: In my recent research, it says that I need to applaud myself for little successes and not beat myself up for not meeting the ideal...thus the applause...)

Fear - the Antitrust Emotion

Ever since I was little I remember fear... Fear has been a household guest. Invited on vacations, into school- even church. But in case you have never met it, let me tell you. It is a cruel and debilitating companion. In addition to that, it is deceptive. I never thought I was afraid of many things, because when my friends said they were afraid of the dark or of bad grades, etc etc etc - I couldn't relate. So I figured, I just didn't have fear. The truth is, I'm afraid of a lot of things. But the thing I am most of afraid of is making a mistake, ie: Imperfection.

I come from a family of believers. They believe in God, and the Bible - and therefore, believed in trusting God. Unfortunately, with fear keeping such close company with us, Trust didn't really get much attention. What ifs could squeeze in, and the oh nos... But Fear is anti-trust, and they never really meshed.

Although I'm sure I've seen this in myself in the past, I am being reminded again of the little faith I have. And trusting God, phew. What a challenge. Not because I don't think God is able to be and do all he says He is and will do... but because fear grips me. But if God really is who he professes to be... who I have Professed Him to be... Then... I shouldn't be afraid.

The anecdote to fear is trust. And to survive? Its a must.

My prayer once again is this... That God would help my unbelief, and that he would remind me who he is. And though I cannot trust myself and all of my emotions, I know I can trust in the one who knows me better than anyone else. God. Oh God. You see my heart and all of its aches and cravings. You see it. And You are taking care of me. Though I want to know all of the answers, I don't need to know them. All I need to know is that you are still God. And everything that goes with that... Sovereign, Loving, Compassionate, Just, Provider, Healer, Father, etc etc etc...

Thank you God! Thank you that in this journey of life, you are teaching me and drawing me closer to you day be day... Be with those I love and draw close to them too. Let us all know you more. And teach me God... Teach me your ways, that I may walk in them.

Teach me patience, kindness, gentleness... and everything else that is part of who you are - Love. And Thank you for the messengers of your love that you provide... Lord, I pray that I would be a messenger of your love too.

Mercy

by Kristene Mueller

What shall I do with you, my love?
What shall I do with you?
For your loyalty to Me is like the morning clouds,
Like the dew that goes away so early.

What shall I do with you, my love?
You keep bringing Me sacrifices
To ease your mind,
But it's your heart that I want.

Hasn't it been a long road
With disappointments,
Chasing after lovers
That just throw you away?

And are you done fighting now?
All the love it takes to lighten you,
Shame was never meant to be your portion.

You keep bringing Me sacrifices
To ease your mind,
But it's your heart that I want.

Though these sins are red as scarlet,
I will wash them white in My mercy.
Though these sins are red as scarlet,
I will wash them white in My mercy.
Though these sins are red as scarlet,
I will wash them white in My mercy.

What shall I do with you, my love?
What shall I do with you?
You keep bringing Me sacrifices
To ease your mind,
But it's your heart that I want.
------------------------------------
Though I am trying to praise God in the storm, my heart is heavy. I am filled with my own self-condemnation and I stand before God ashamed. If I could just hide myself away, I would. But I know that hiding does nothing for me, and you never get anywhere when you cover your eyes and curl up in a ball. I am having a hard time remembering the truth right now, and God's voice has become a distant whisper in the wind. But what I do remember just enough to hang on. This song reminds me that God is NOT pointing his finger at me shouting...You selfish, proud, worthless failure. And though I may think those things on occasion, I know they aren't true either. I still his faint whisper reminding me that He loves me. Saying, just come to me beloved. I have fearfully and wonderfully made you. I don't want your sacrifices... I just want you.

I won't divulge everything that is going on inside of me, but I am writing this simply because I am trying to remember what I do know. And I want to thank my God for all that he is given me. It is too easy to see what He holds out of my reach, but I want to focus on all that He has given me. And He has given me sooooo much.

You know, in all my life, I've never had a more faithful friend. A more faithful provider. Everything good came from HIM. I don't know why it is such a struggle to trust him sometimes, because I know that I know that I know HE is worthy of my trust. I can trust Him. Will this struggle against my flesh and natural desires ever cease? Will I ever find release? The longer I live, the more I am sure of this. My struggle here on earth will not end until Christ comes and takes me home as His bride... and as my cousin reminded me. I can wake up every morning and rejoice! For I am one day closer to my wedding day.

Its so easy to get focused on my time here on earth. And there are a number of things I'd like to have while here on earth... but what really matters is forever. And I can't wait until my wedding day with my Lover Jesus... He will sweep me up into the clouds and take me home.

Until then, Oh God. I need your grace to make it another day... Life here can be so lonely, and its so easy to lose hope... But I will yet praise you my Savior and my God. I will put my hope in you. Renew my hope Father. Renew me. I feel so weak. I need your strength to feel this weak...

Life is waiting for those who lose control...

(a line from Tenth Ave North)

Oh yeah... God really does love me!

Do you ever have those moments that you forget that God really does love you? And I don't mean just any kind of love. His love is some kind of crazy, unconditional, never ending, unfailing, non-condemning, healing, etc etc etc kind of love. Well, I do, but its at those moments that he sends people into my path to remind me, in little ways, that he does love me. Thank you Lord for your love... And for divine appointments.