Just writing

I've always loved to write, and once upon a time, I dreampt of writing being my career. The truth is, while I've had an occasional successful written work, many of my works have lacked something. Even when I look back in my journal I wonder at a missing element.

So often, even in my journal, I've written with a reader in mind. And in reality, that has always hindered me from writing with complete "realness". Whatever that means. In truth, I am only just trying to figure this out for myself.

On the other hand, I have often turned to the Lord in my writings, and it is very difficult for me to write something with complete hopelessness (although I cannot deny having a few hopeless journal entries or poems). Can I blame it on my upbringing? Can I credit my faith? Does it matter?

On one hand, I think it is a valuable thing to turn my emotions and my attentions to the Lord. To remind myself what his word says. On the other hand, does God want me to say just what I believe to be the "right" thing. Or is it something deeper he wants from me. I guess I believe there is something more. I want it to be more than me writing God is good. But me living a life that proclaims it through my faith. Through my joy. Through my peace.

I am a passionate person and have many times excitedly jumped from point to point. But I heard this story on the radio the other day about 2 lumberjacks. Both had a mission to cut down some trees. The first lumberjack quickly jumped up to begin his job. He excitedly chopped at one tree, but then unsure of which tree to do first, went from tree to tree to tree to tree chopping a bit of bark off of each one without ever really making much of a dent. In addition, he didn't have the right tools, and so was chopping at the trees with his swiss army knife. The second lumberjack waited. He thought through the best way to proceed. Equipped himself with the right tools and when the time was right, picked a tree and chopped at it steadily until it tumbled.

I want to be the one who moves wisely and equips myself with the right tools. If I think I'm supposed to be using my musical skills more, rather than run off to Nashville, I need to start singing here where I'm at. Instead of attempting to write a 300 page book, I need to let God work in my small entries. WHATEVER it is... It starts here. In addition, I need to equip myself with the word of God. How can I believe in healing, if I don't know God's word concerning it? How can I believe in anything for that matter, if I don't try to find out what God might say about it?

Sigh. I really don't know. All I know is that my heart is hungry for more. Do you hear me!? God I want more! but not just more. And not just for me. I want to really hear you this time. I want to really seek you and I want to really be changed by you. (though you have constantly been changing me through my life, I hope you never stop!)...