Choices

Life is full of choices, and personally, as much as my heart wants to settle and commit to a decision, I’m not too eager to tie myself down to something that doesn’t click in my spirit as right.  I’m not sure I ever have been…

The incredible thing is, now multiple times, God has given me a word through different people, “Whatever you choose, I will be with you”.  He’s made it clear to me that I am free to make the choice.  Another day, completely randomly, a lady came to me and said, “The door is open for you,’’ and then she stopped herself and said “actually, I see many doors opening and none closing’’.   

One morning in prayer, I saw a picture of myself with the Lord on a hike, and when we reach a fork in the trail, I looked to Jesus and asked, “Which way?’’ He just smiled at me and said, ‘’which way do you WANT to go?”  I pressed Him, ‘’But you know what’s ahead… I want to go the way you think is best. Which way??’’ And still, He just smiled at me and said, “Either way. Which way do you WANT to go?’’ 

Enter My Dilemma.  What DO I want????  

But let me back up a minute…

About 3 weeks ago, the base director here in Zimpeto where I am working as a missionary for 3 months came to me. He said the Lord had brought me to mind while he was praying, and that if I had any interest in the accounting position up there and felt the green light from God, he wanted to send me up to Pemba (another IRIS Ministry base, and location of the Harvest School of Ministry).  

Within a matter of days, I felt the Lord encouraging me to go, though I told the director that I couldn’t say where it would lead. I didn’t necessarily feel God saying that I’d be taking that accounting position, but just that he was encouraging me to trust in Him and go… That full story is HERE. And within a matter of a week or so from then, I was on a plane heading to Pemba.

From day one in Pemba, I was blessed.  My room was a retreat for me. The first day, I received an incredible prophetic word with many aspects, but one of them was simply this. That I was there in Pemba for God to lavish His love out on me. And He Did.  From multiple shooting stars to a nice welcome food basket, from incredible worship to multiple encouraging and prophetic words, from spontaneous prayers to a fantastic view of the Ocean, from refreshing breezes to the wonderful people I met, from my private room to you name it. I felt so overwhelmed by God’s love.

Still, I couldn’t forget. I was also there to learn about the accounting job there, and decide if I wanted to come back to work with them.

Since before coming to Mozambique, I have been praying and asking God to reveal to me the next long term step. 2015 has been an incredible year of growth in so many ways. I have been so many places, met so many incredible people, and been stretched, but now, I was ready to have a home again. To get more invested again. To be committed to something.  God sending me to Pemba filled me with hope in the possibility that this may be it, but while I was there, my spirit didn’t leap with excitement. 

Throughout the week as God was pouring into me with His love, revealing his favor to me through lunch invites and plane rides, and relieving me of any pressure in making the decision, and as I was prayerfully considering what decision I might end up making, a seemingly TOTALLY unrelated dream began to plague my mind.

Just the week before I came to Pemba, I had a dream.  In this dream, I went somewhere and met a guy who began to act like we were in a relationship.  The whole dream I felt confused. He didn’t even know me…And my heart struggled with the thought of telling him, no. 

The thought that began to plague me that week in Pemba is that so often in relationships, I struggled to say no.  I wanted so much to be married and get settled, but in my heart, I couldn’t commit. It didn’t feel right.  Each guy was a great guy, but not the right guy… but compared to the alternative at that moment… ie. Him or nothing… I struggled to release him.   The truth is, the way I have felt in the past in relationships, and the way I felt in that dream was exactly the way I was feeling about that decision about working in Pemba.  A great opportunity that my heart didn’t really truly want, if I was really honest with myself.

Here God was encouraging me to choose what I wanted, and I was caught in the same old dilemma. 

WHAT Do I want? 

This time, I am choosing to say no to a great opportunity, and am waiting on the Lord, because I have confidence that He IS guiding and directing my steps, even though he has freed me from the pressure of trying to figure out what “those steps’’ are.  Even though I am ready to settle on a decision and commit to a specific path, I am willing to wait until He makes the path clear.  I know He Will make it clear, because I’ll have that same peace in my heart that I’ve had for every other major decision I’ve had to make.

I guess I do know what I want. I want to keep waiting on the Lord for the right thing at the right time. I want to keep walking by faith and not by sight. I want to keep leaning NOT on MY understanding, but acknowledging HIM in all my ways. I want to keep trusting that I am free to choose, but also that I can rest and trust in HIM, knowing that He does direct my steps.  Now THIS is a decision I can wholeheartedly commit to. For the rest of my life.

In the meantime, He did give me another divine connection while I was up there, and so next stop, here I come!!  Who knows where this next itty bitty step will lead me….

Either way, this is an adventure with Jesus, and I’m loving every twist and turn in the path.  Sometimes I get weary, and thus wanting to settle, but if I reflect back and am honest with myself. I’m not ready to go back to normal. Nope. I’ll keep on this mystery hike for as long as it takes.